herald

Wednesday 15 August 2018

Appliance of science puts women in control

Of all the worthless surveys in recent years the most bewildering has to be that by a mobile phone retailer, which found that women believed men with iPhones were more attractive than men without.

By way of explanation, the women surveyed let slip that, as purchasing an iPhone means entering into a long-term contract, men who obligate to that would be more inclined to pledge their allegiance in other areas of life.

Men who, like myself, have become deeply attached to their iPhones may now feel they have been duped. Particularly if it has dawned on you that the salesperson who encouraged you to pen the contract in the first place was a woman. Think about it. Mine was. I was also sold a crap gaudy iPhone case, but was resilient enough to resist the penal insurance premium. Although I've a feeling I'm going to need that before too long, particularly with the Light Sabre app that requires you to swing the phone over your head.

What the survey doesn't reveal is that women also like men with iPhones because the devices can be used as a means of distraction and, eventually, control within a relationship.

While women indeed do use iPhones, they are essentially toys for big boys. This is made obvious by even a token trawl through the app world: Fart App, the Speed Trap app, the Football Free Kick app (no women linesmen present; yes, I do insist on saying 'linesman' even if the 'linesman' happens to be a woman), Terror at Bikini Beach game app, Pick-up Line app, Fan Finder app (find like-minded footie fans in the nearest bar), RUDrunk app, Handgun app and, before I get too carried away, the very practical Howcast app (which can tell you how to do lots of impressive things such as mix a cocktail or knot a bowtie in minutes), are all ways of appeasing men's uncomplicated desires -- in much the same way as a rattle, followed by a bunch of keys and a soother, say, will keep a baby preoccupied for long enough to skim the morning paper. But with iPhones, women have at their disposal an endless array of distractions to keep men entertained, therefore under control, and, if we draw the whole thing to its logical conclusions, committed.

There is one weapon left, however, for any male iPhone owners now contemplating their position. It's called resilience. There's even an app for it. Building Emotional Intelligence app, designed by a top psychologist to "help children respond to and rebound from the challenges of the 21st century". Time to grow up gents. As if.

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