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Tuesday 6 December 2016

Curve Ball: CCCC must tackle glut of GAA STIs

26 April 2015; Dublin supporters on Hill 16 during the game. Allianz Football League, Division 1, Final, Dublin v Cork. Croke Park, Dublin. Picture credit: Ray McManus / SPORTSFILE
26 April 2015; Dublin supporters on Hill 16 during the game. Allianz Football League, Division 1, Final, Dublin v Cork. Croke Park, Dublin. Picture credit: Ray McManus / SPORTSFILE

TOMORROW sees the AIF of the GAA's U21FC, and before you choke on the ingestion of that initial mouthful, we recommend the immediate purchase of a new and soon-to-be bestseller.

It's called the Curve Ball 'Dictionary of Doublespeak and Outlandish Acronymns in the GAA'. Available at all cash-only car-boot sales or via any dodgy door-to-door salesman, priced ... whatever you'll give us, so long as you don't ask for a receipt.

As a sneak preview, we'll even throw you a few appetising morsels free of charge. Starting with the most obvious ...

ACRONYM: GAA

MEANING: Grab All Association

This has nothing to do with the sinister accusation that this last surviving bastion of sporting amateurism in a money-infested world is actually consumed by filthy lucre. Perish the thought.

And just to prove the point: the Leinster SFC quarter-final between Dublin and the winners of Offaly/Longford has just been refixed for Ferbane or Granard ... subject to finance committee ratification, of course, and on the proviso that either of the above venues is deemed capable of safely housing an attendance of 30,000.

No. Grab All Association is actually a colloquial name for the CBU (Corner Backs Union) in the good old days pre the black card, when members were free to grab jerseys, shorts and even mysteriously broken teeth belonging to the opposing corner-forward.

ACRONYM: CIA

MEANING: Committee Insanity Anonymous

This is the help group which all frazzled, county board-fearing citizens feel compelled to join after reading the latest convoluted saga of disciplinary intrigue. It starts with the CCCC investigating a case of off-the-ball GBH after a late-night bout of TBSG (Trial By Sunday Game) before moving on to the CHC and then the CAC, all culminating in an 11th hour dash to the DRA - the GAA's own unique version of the ECHR.

(Editor: Can you not say European Court of Human Rights? After all, you're being paid by the bloody word!)

ACRONYM: STI

MEANING: Soft Tissue Injury

Not to be mistaken for a far more painful acronym whose initials briefly escape us, the STI has become a modern-day inter-county epidemic. Over-exposure to training on hard ground is a factor but the symptoms are annoyingly vague, with GAA hacks doubling as quacks left confused as to whether a player suffering STI has pulled his hammer or over-stretched his groin.

Still, this is no laughing matter, especially for Dublin who have suffered a glut of such injuries this spring - so much so that the STI would appear the greatest impediment to a Blue moon rising next September.

ACRONYM: HTI

MEANING: Hard Tissue Injury

This is what happens if your STI is left untreated. It develops into a hard tissue injury, such as a bunion, corn or even carbuncle.

ACRONYM: AIB AIC SFC

MEANING: Give us a second ...

This is the Allied Irish Bank All-Ireland Club Senior Football Championship, not to be confused with tomorrow's All-Ireland Final of the Under-21 Football Championship (see intro) ... OMG, has anyone a number for the CIA?

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