Marisa Mackle: Sick and snivelling doesn't sound fun
I hated every minute of pregnancy. I remember walking past a dead bird and bursting into tears. That's how emotional I was. When I wasn't snivelling I was throwing up. I carried a plastic bag around because I couldn't walk past a petrol station, a chipper or somebody smoking without puking.
Sometimes there wasn't time to fish the plastic bag from my pocket. Now that was embarrassing.
Some women say they bloom during pregnancy. I found the whole experience blooming awful. I slept approximately two hours a night throughout. My baby had constant hiccups and his head was stuck underneath my ribs causing me huge discomfort. Also, why don't they tell you about having to wee every five minutes?
I used to look in the mirror and not recognise myself. A couple of months into the pregnancy I remember thinking I looked like Garfield's sister. I had put on so much weight even my pregnancy clothes didn't fit towards the end.
I met an old man the other day who admired my little boy and asked his age.
"Fifteen months," I said.
"Time for another one?" he suggested.
I shuddered. "No chance of that."
He seemed shocked by my firm answer. I almost went on to explain how I'd remained celibate since my child's conception but thought better of it. Sometimes there's such a thing as too much information. Which brings me to my point. My point is that pregnancy is a private experience, when your body becomes a safe house for a growing life.
But former EastEnders actress Natalie Cassidy has decided it's an experience she'd like to share with the world on a new reality TV show focusing on every aspect of her pregnancy.
"I want this to be normal and all about real life, not starry, just truthful, great fun with family and friends."
Fun? Oh dear. Somebody is badly advising Natalie. I guess her manager is either a man or a woman who has never been pregnant.
Marisa's children's book Girl in the Yellow Dress is out now