Gerry O'Carroll: Agnew's not playing such a happy tune on his oboe
WHEN panto dame Twink split with her husband David Agnew, it was surely the most acrimonious break-up of a celebrity couple in recent years.
In a bitter tirade, later unleashed on the internet, Twink famously told her husband to "zip up your mickey" and referred to him as "a fat, bald middle-aged d***head".
Shakespeare was right -- hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Agnew, an oboe player, had turned his attentions to violinist Ruth Hickey and the pair made sweet music together. Yet this great love affair has come to an end.
Ms Hickey lost a court case last week when it was ruled that a Sunday newspaper had not breached her privacy by publishing photographs of her. Now she's left with a massive legal bill, and apparently there's no sign of her man to help comfort her. Yes, the ageing Agnew was nowhere to be seen while his former girlfriend faced a courtroom.
She was forced to go through a traumatic process alone, while Agnew shied away from the cameras. Now, despite having had a child with Ms Hickey, the affair has dwindled to a pathetic end.
Frankly, his failure to appear in court wasn't the most gentlemanly behaviour. I can't help thinking that he should have stood by Ms Hickey, at least for the duration of this ordeal.
No doubt Twink has been reading all about it with interest. She's holding her head high now as she watches her former husband's romantic life disintegrate.
Something tells me Mr Agnew and his oboe aren't playing a very happy tune these days.
Teen knuckleheads with guns who are the Real IRA
WATCHING the news the other night I was struck at how dumb one of the apologists for the maverick IRA appeared.
He was unable to string a few words together and was completely inarticulate.
It looked like he had just read the Terrorism Made Simple for Dumbos manual.
It reminded me of what an old Special Branch pal said recently. He described the new generation of IRA renegades as a bunch of Celtic supporters (sorry lads!) with AKs.
He described how they had no knowledge of Irish history, barely knew any rebel ballads and were only intent on destruction.
Whatever you say about Adams, McGuinness, Morrisson and co, they were certainly bright and had an idea of what they were fighting for.
Not so this generation of knuckleheads. They are pretty much crims with a sorry cause - and access to guns and bombs.
That's why the latest weapons discovery is likely to strike fear into the hearts of every right-thinking person on this island as the threat of war rears its head.
On Monday, as part of Operation Designer, Special Branch officers with the Emergency Response Unit uncovered a huge cache of weapons and explosives buried in a wood in Dunleer in Louth.
The arsenal, believed to belong to the Real IRA, contained a general-purpose machine gun, sawn-off shotguns, mortars primed for use and other bomb-making equipment.
In a similar raid in Wexford, a bomb factory was discovered and it too contained guns, detonators and other bomb-making material. Nine people have since been arrested under Section 30 of the Offences Against the State Act.
These are not weapons from old dumps, but are believed to be newly imported by the Real IRA from Eastern Europe. It appears we are witnessing a dramatic escalation by this group who are preparing for a new onslaught of bombings.
The Real IRA and its band of stupid followers is now a deadly threat to peace and stability on both sides of the border.
What does worry me however is that the new generation of knuckleheads are being supported by hardened old timers - albeit not the smart ones who saw the writing on the wall in 1994.
These dinosaurs are probably jealous of Adams and co and try to peddle the line that the current leadership of the Republican movement betrayed the cause.
These fruitcakes have blinded themselves to the enormous dividends that the Good Friday Agreement has given this island.
They cannot see that it was not the bomb and bullet that brought peace but painstaking negotiations.
As the island, north and south, is facing its biggest threat since the Economic War (standoff between the UK and Ireland in the 30s, for younger readers) we cannot allow a bunch of yobs with access to weaponry and loose grasp on history to cause mayhem.
That's why anyone associating with them would want to wake up - and join a youth club instead. And anyone with any knowledge of their activities should report them to the gardai.
I would point you to the RTE News the other night and the teen loony who tried to explain the actions of the mavericks.
He reminded me of the boy at the back of the class (not even the funny lad) being put in charge of lessons. Terrifying.
I don't expect to see our new X Factor hero mary back at the Tesco checkout
MY heart was in my mouth on Saturday as I watched our Tesco diva Mary Byrne performing on X Factor.
I need not have worried because this talented lady wowed the judges. At 50, she's competing with singers less than half her age, and that's what makes her so inspirational. I'm nailing my colours to the mast now and saying that Mary deserves to win this competition.
I've had enough of the pedestrian glitz and glamour. I know Cheryl Cole is supposedly the people's princess, but I'm beginning to tire of her. Maybe Louis Walsh hit the nail on the head the other night when he said: "It's not all about you, Cheryl."
It's time we had a new hero, and our Dublin star Mary fits the bill for anyone who dreams of making it big.
Her interpretation of the James Brown classic This Is A Man's World marked her out as a wonderful talent. I was saddened to hear she has agonising problems with her knees and hope this won't affect her performance. This lady has put Ballyfer-mot on the map, and I hope I never see her back at the Tesco checkout.