THE SCENE: RTé Studios, Montrose.

THE OCCASION: The end of the world as we know it. Up to our necks in water, debt and moral indignation.

THE HOST: And heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's ... Joe Duffy!

JOE: It's a disgrace, I tell you. Listeners, are you listening? I feel your pain. I want you to share it with the nation ... hello, hello, we've got Mary from Clontarf on the line. Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how did you feel when Tee-airy Enry handled that ball? Were you thinking of all the poor suffering Irish children who won't be going to the Wordild Cup?

RADIO ROY: Eh, are you calling me Mary? Take that, you ****. And don't ever stand over me sneering with your fake moral outrage. I'm taking over this show now ... (brief commotion as a stricken Joe is carried from studio by ashen-faced producer) ... eh, sorry about that folks, we're back on air now and Radio Roy is open to questions.

THE WATERFORD WISP: Hello again, Roy. Long time no talk. I'd like to let the nation know that as chief blazer I'm doing everything in my power to correct this scandalous injustice. For the integrity of the game, I'm calling on Sepp Blatter, Michel Platini, Raymond Domenech, the French federation, President Sarkozy, Charles de Gaulle, Edith Piaf and Brigitte Bardot to just do the right thing, grant us a replay, play rubbish on the night, miss every penalty if it goes that far, and give us our rightful place on the junket -- sorry, plane -- to South Africa.

ROY: Eh, is that, like, John Delaney I'm hearing? You muppet! You langer! You talk about the honesty and integrity of the game?!? I wouldn't take any notice of you. Next caller ...

TEE-AIRY ENRY: Eh, c'est Roy, non? Comment allez vous? Or should I say, comment vas-tu, mon ami?

ROY: Tee-airy, how goes it? I'd just like to congratulate you on bending the rules last week because, in doing so, you have proven every argument I've ever made since the Irish team and FAI turned their cowering backs on their one true leader in 2002 -- they're mentally week hypocrites, always moaning, "we wuz robbed, blah blah blah." Get over it!

TEE-AIRY: But I can't get over it, Roy! You see, last Wednesday, I nearly didn't handle the ball. Then on Friday, in calling for a replay, I nearly released my statement before FIFA had ruled this out ... cursed email, I must update to broadband! Then on Monday, I very nearly said I nearly retired from international football.

ROY: Eh, Tee-Airy, I think you might have said that last bit. Enjoy Joburg! Next up ... some guy with a thick Offaly accent.

AN TEASHOCK: I'd just like to say, Roy, that our small little nation has just been floored by a global tsunami beyond my control.

ROY: Are you on about the floods, Brian? What are you going to do about my poor drowning comrades in the People's Republic?

AN TEASHOCK: I'm paying them a visit, Roy. And likewise with the poor huddled masses in Galway, Tipperary and Clare.

ROY: Have they not suffered enough, Brian? Sorry, only joking! But back to this tsunami?

AN TEASHOCK: Yes Roy, I'm talking about this other tsunami -- a conspiratorial tidal wave of pernicious malpractice and whatever other flowery words of obfuscation my legal education allows going forward. Anyway, this involves not just Tee-Airy Enry but FIFA, UEFA, Swedish match officials, sleeping full-backs and sleeveen politicians back home trying to distract you all from the upcoming Budget. There's only one thing for it -- a fair play replay! If my beloved Offaly could get one against Clare back in '98, surely Ireland deserve one now ...

ROY: Sorry Brian, I can't hear you with someone's bloody phone going off. Is that yours, Joe? Why don't you turn it off? Are you just going to let it ring? That's good manners, eh? Now where was I?

MARK CONWAY: Like many other GAA people, Of One Belief stands bemused and disillusioned by this whole sad and sordid mess.

ROY: Who da feck are Of One Belief? They sound like a religious cult. Next caller.

LOUIS WALSH: Hi Roy, every young person's talking about them. They're game for anything. So any chance you'd let them sing on your show?

ROY: Oh no, please please please no! Triggs, scare them away! I'd take anyone, Andy Reid on his guitar, even John Delaney blowing his own trumpet ... but not Jedward!

(Five-minute hiatus while the Lucan Quiffs commit aural murder live on air. Roy eventually recovers composure to take next call.)

ANGRY PROTESTOR: Hi there, I'm an anonymous Limerick hurler. I couldn't get through to the county board -- with a bit of luck they're under the Shannon by now. So maybe you can pass on this message: I'm quitting the county squad in protest.

ROY: At what?

ANGRY PROTESTOR: That there's no one else left on the squad anymore.

LOUIS: I've got it Roy! This is just the opportunity John and Edward have been waiting for. They're the perfect fit for Limerick hurling -- no one rates them, we don't care! Even Justin will love them.

ROY: Yeah right, Louis. They can't swing, they can't play, they look awful. And besides, how would you get those ridiculous barnets inside a helmet? Next caller!

SPANISH BLOKE: Hola, Roy! My name eez Roberto Martinez. You may not know me but I manage Wigan Athletic -- de momento, at least! Anyway, I feel pain of you Irish people. And I now know our goal against Totteeenham was not right. A clear handball. And it ruined their spotless linen or -- how you say? -- clean sheet. This is no justice to football. So now, in spirit of fair play and honesty and integrity, I hereby offer to replay our match with Totteeenham. No strings attached.

ROY: Hah, good one Roberto. And maybe next time Harry will start Robbie instead of Jermain too. Time's up, folks. That Mooney muppet is on next. Joe will be back in the hotseat tomorrow. If he's able to sit down, that is.

- Frank Roche