END of the year. End of the decade. But, you'll be glad to hear, Curve Ball won't be using this end-of-an-era excuse to rehash any lazy old column about the Team of the Noughties.

Our effort requires far more painstaking research. So, without further ado, in descending order of misbehaviour, let us unveil our Top Thirty Naughty Noughties ...

30 MICHAEL PHELPS: Man from Atlantis goes to pot, photographed smoking a giant 'bong'. Time to weed out this shocking behaviour -- it might even stunt his growth.

29 KOBE BRYANT: Curve Ball cares less about basketball than it knows (now we're into negative equity), but apparently Kobe is a hoops legend who admitted adultery in 2003 but denied sexual assault; a criminal case was later dropped but an out-of-court civil settlement reached. There you go.

28 BATH RUGBY CLUB: They're some bunch of 'Charlies', this lot, what with five players banned in the past year for either indulging in recreational drugs or failing to take drug tests. "Class A, it's okay, everyone's doing it," chanted Justin Harrison on the team bus en route to that now infamous end-of- season party. A class-A guy. Not.

27 RIVALDO: Brazil's answer to Brando takes the Feigning Injury Oscar for his antics against Turkey at the '02 World Cup, edging out Aidan 'Quinn' O'Mahony for his amateur theatrics against Cork in '08.

26 TOMMY WALSH: The wing-back wonder with the angelic countenance really shouldn't be here. He's only included to see if we can spark a "witch-hunt" reaction from Brian Cody.

25 JASON AKERMANIS: Jason who? Well, think International Rules and, if you're still wondering, just ask Peter Canavan.

24 RONNIE O'SULLIVAN: The Rocket v Hendry at the 2006 UK Championship. Ronnie trails 4-1, first to nine, misses a red ... and promptly shakes hands with the shellshocked Scot before exiting stage left. Roberto Duran eat your heart out!

23 TADHG KENNELLY: Cop that! (Editor: Maybe his memoir should have been called Make Me Up Before You Go Go?)

22 JOHN DALY: Who ate all the pies? And quaffed all the Jack Daniels? And gambled away all the millions? Still, after lap-band gastric surgery, apparently the pounds are falling off him.

21 RYAN McMENAMIN: No naughty list would be complete without Ricey, whose decision to give Paul Galvin a Valentine's Day 'squeeze' last February seals inclusion.

20 BRENDAN FEVOLA: Sent home in disgrace from the 2006 International Rules tour, even before the madness that happened in Croke Park, the bould Brendan is never far from trouble -- be it urinating outside a night club or being axed from Channel 9's Grand Final Footy Show this year after his booze-fuelled antics during a previous show.

19 KOSTAS KENTERIS and KATERINA THANOU: Beware of Greeks bearing tall tales of motorbike accidents on the eve of the Athens Olympics. Especially those due to undergo drug tests.

18 ANDRE AGASSI: This may have to go to a steward's inquiry, as Andre's crime dates back to 1997 when he used crystal meth and failed a drug test but got away with it. Still, as he only came clean last October, and his image used to be whiter than his Wimbledon shorts ...

17 DAVID BECKHAM: Another saint? Two words: Rebecca Loos.

16 TANA UMAGA: Shame on you for 'spearing' our beloved BOD, for ending his '05 Lions tour before it had properly begun ... and then for calling him a "sook" (Kiwi slang for a cry-baby) in his autobiography.

15 CORK COUNTY BOARD: You can stick to all the rules and still be naughty, you know. Never mind the three strikes, what about that Machiavellian stunt silencing their own clubs before 2005 Congress voted on whether to open up Croke Park?

14 STEPHEN IRELAND: Sticking to our Langer theme, welcome to Grannygate. We would have gladly forgiven the Eastlands enigma if he'd come into the Irish fold over the past year. Now, we'd prefer if he just shut up.

13 GRAHAM GERAGHTY: The Meath legend was a headline-hogging gift to all GAA scribblers. Mired in controversy, even when it wasn't his own fault, but his 2007 training ground bust-up (involving a young fellow panelist) was certainly behaviour unbecoming of someone who had run for Dáil office only months earlier.

12 KEVIN SHEEDY: This guy is no stranger to the aforementioned Graham, who was left seeing stars after Sheedy's gung-ho Aussies went to war against the Irish in Croke Park three years ago. "You're the greatest conmen I've ever met!" the veteran AFL coach told the Irish media afterwards. He should know.

11 JOEY BARTON: In terms of sheer badness, this part-time footballer deserves to be far higher. In between playing the occasional match, he has been convicted of assault twice, served time inside as a result, and he once stubbed out a cigar on the eyes of a clubmate during the Manchester City Christmas party.

10 GER CAVLAN: Included here not for his many fine footballing achievements with Tyrone but rather because, ahem, he's gone to the dogs.

9 MARION JONES: Once upon a time, some of us naively believed the 'Drive For Five' in Sydney was fuelled by raw talent alone. We must have been on drugs.

8 MAX MOSLEY: Formula One chief in 'Sick Nazi Orgy' shocker! You couldn't make it up (allegedly), although this son of a 1930s British fascist leader subsequently launched a successful high court privacy action against the News of the Screws.

7 PAUL GALVIN: Included for taking severe exception to a black book that wasn't his own. However, on appeal to the Curve Ball DRA, and taking into account his recent good behaviour, we've reduced his punishment to a ticking offence.

6 ROY KEANE: Oh, where do we start? Saipan -- and his, eh, vividly descriptive rant against Mick McCarthy. Oh, where do we end? An Ipswich Town press conference last month -- and his latest "get over it" rant against moaning Irish players, the FAI, John Delaney not making phone calls in Saipan (get over it, Roy!) and bad-mannered hacks who won't turn their phones off.

5 KIEREN FALLON: The last few years have been a particularly rough ride for the champion flat jockey from Clare, with two lengthy suspensions for positive drug tests sandwiching his high-profile court appearance at the Old Bailey where (some good news at last!) he was cleared of race-fixing when the trial collapsed.

4 OJ SIMPSON: If the gloves don't fit, you must acquit. That's how OJ somehow wangled his way out of topping the Naughty Nineties list. But justice eventually caught up with the gridiron hero-turned-ham actor 12 months ago, when he was sentenced to 15 years for a botched attempt to recover some of his own sports memorabilia -- by means of armed robbery, as you do.

3 DEAN RICHARDS: The former Harlequins director of rugby receives our bronze medal on behalf of the entire twisted cast of Bloodgate (Dracula impersonator Tom Williams, physio Steph Brennan, etc). How could they stoop so low? When you play at the Stoop, maybe it comes naturally.

2 THIERRY HENRY: The hand of Gaul was bad enough. The gall of Henry to sit down in sympathy with Richard Dunne afterwards was even harder to stomach.

1 TIGER WOODS: To mark the fastest and furthest fall from grace in the history of sport, we'll finish with three of the million-plus jokes already coined at the expense of the greatest golfer-who-can't-drive in the world:

1: Did you hear that Tiger changed his name? Really, to what? He can't decide between Cheetah and Lyin' King.

2: First Tiger alienates the women of America by having multiple affairs. Then he alienates the men of America by giving up golf for his wife.

3: What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at three Ho's!

Boom boom! Stay safe this Christmas. And watch out for those fire hydrants.

- Frank Roche