Sunday 23 October 2016

Anna Nolan: I know just how you feel Pippa ... I wasn't picked to be a godmother either

Pippa Middleton
Pippa Middleton
Marc O'Neill
Goldie Hawn
Michael Eisner

Pippa Middleton and I have something in common. Who would have thought it?

Kate Middleton's sister and little ol' me from Rialto can now sit down over a cheeky glass of rosé and say: "Can you believe we got passed over ... again!"

Yes, Pippa and I could get drunk and bitter, as we tore our family to shreds, because we weren't chosen as godparents (she didn't get the nod at Princess Charlotte's Christening last Sunday). We might get a bit rowdy. She might start a cat-fight in the Ladies. I might get gobby with the poor woman in the chipper on the way home.

Then we'd start picking on each other. She'd look me in the eye and say: "Well you wouldn't want to be a godparent any way." Then I'd do a drunken, how-very-dare-you scowl back and say: "Sssnot de point."

And I'd follow that with "you're not ready to be a godparent - you're too busy doing feck all with your life". Then we would cry over our chips back at my apartment.

In fairness, we don't do baptisms in my family. All of us are pretty much atheists. So I don't mind at all that I am not godmother to any of the gang. But I'd say Pippa is bulling.

The role of the godparent varies, depending to how devout the family is. According to canon law: "In so far as possible, a person being baptised is to be assigned a sponsor. In the case of an adult baptism, the sponsor's role is to assist the person in Christian initiation. In the case of an infant baptism, the role is together with the parents to present the child for baptism, and to help it to live a Christian life."

Now for most of us in Ireland the godparent's role means something different. Bigger gifts on birthdays. Bigger gifts at Christmas. Maybe a gift (or money) in between. And then the grim notion that if the parents croke it before the godparent does, they have to take junior in and bring him up all on their own.

I remember my godmother Noreen. She was like a breath of fresh air. There was something comforting about her, like I had a fairy godmother. And coming from a family of seven kids, any extra attention was the business.

She would buy me treats and gifts. She would never be involved in the humdrum of my childhood life - she wouldn't have to holler at me to get up in the morning. And she wouldn't see me thumping my sisters.

She thought I was an angel and I thought she was perfect.

There was never any help in my Christian life and she didn't really take an interest in fulfilling my duties as a Catholic. But who cared? After all, I got Curly Wurlys and bottles of coke.

But then, it all changed. Noreen moved on. And so did I. The Curly Wurlys just weren't cutting it and as a teenager, I wanted more. But I always remember how kind Noreen was.

The British royal family take their religious duties seriously and Pippa might just have to grow up a little. But don't tell her I said that - she mightn't drop by for that rosé.


The slump's over, the economy's performing better ... and so are Irish men

Did you know that the HSE has spent €57m on erectile dysfunction medicines since 2009?

Up until last year, the figure was rising every year as men around Ireland got that little bit of help from the blue tablet. But in 2014 there was a drop - in the take-up of the drugs that is. Prescriptions of products such as Viagra and Levitra fell by 10pc compared to 2013.

I wonder what has caused this slump?

Erectile dysfunction is the inability of a man to keep an erection and have sexual intercourse. According to healthline.com the five common causes of impotence are endocrine diseases, neurological and nerve disorders, taking medications, cardiac-related conditions and finally lifestyle factors/emotional disorders.


I am not aware that there has been any major improvement in Ireland recently in the first four causes.

So I'm thinking (with my amateur psychotherapist's cap on), is there a correlation between the economy picking up and rates of erectile dysfunction flagging?

There is no doubt about it, the best sex is relaxed sex. That's why many of us like a little tipple or two before we get down to business. If there are any distractions - from a bill that needs to be paid to a wasp banging its head against the window - the task just gets harder.

With the outlook looking brighter for Ireland - more jobs and more money - the distractions that we face are perhaps reducing. And one area where this may benefit us all, even if it's not immediately apparent, is in the bedroom.

Will economic growth equate to steady growth elsewhere? This amateur therapist bets her bottom dollar it will!


Marc had smarts and I'll miss him


Well done to Marc O'Neill , who got booted out of the Big Brother house last week, for his contribution to the show. He has to have been one of my favourite housemates ever - manipulative, smart and handsome. He was the ideal housemate, in fact. I know someone who lectured him in his science course at college and she said he was a bright lad, so it's not surprising that he did well on Big Brother.

It will be a boring house now that he is no longer in it. I reckon the producers knew this and tried to hold on to him for several weeks - but they couldn't save him from the public who really disliked him. Ah well, it was good while it lasted.


Idiot Michael Eisner is going for Goldie


Well, well. Michael Eisner, former Disney CEO - what an idiot. What a thick individual. While speaking to Goldie Hawn recently, he told her that women who are beautiful and funny "are impossible to find".

What, like all those beautiful and funny men out there? Like that stunningly handsome Will Ferrell? Or that drop-dead gorgeous Steve Carrell? What is Eisner's definition of beautiful? I would love to know. And why the bloody hell does it matter anyway? When you see the fools that are at the top of the entertainment industry it makes you want to never pay to watch another movie ever again.

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