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Friday 22 September 2017

Things every woman should know...

WE GO through life learning from our mistakes, from bad hairstyles to bad men, and bad debts to nasty hangovers. Alternatively, we can fast-track though some of these disasters with the savvy sense guide below, which will save us precious time, not to mention red faces.

1 Not to ask questions you don't want answers to. Knowing he thinks the waitress is pretty will only ruin your tray-baked lemon sole.

2 How to take a risk and prove the begrudgers wrong. No one expected Jedward to win the Eurovision, but we sure loved watching them.

3 How to disagree with someone politely, and never assume another person's opinion is any more or any less important than your own. An example of impolite disagreement might be Sinead O'Connor's savage tweets to Linda Martin, only to discover someone had hacked into Martin's account. Oops.

4 How to change a tyre, how to change your hair colour without going to a salon, and how to change a man without feeling guilty. Batting eyelashes may work in your 20s when it comes to getting a man to change a tyre, but after that you'll be left driving a three-wheeler.

5Understand the different types of loan products and credit cards on offer by banks, and understand the different types of interest. Yeah, sadly so, unless you want to end up in debt, which has the same pulling power as admitting you turn into a vampire after dark.

6 How to say "no" convincingly. Crucial in a sexual context, and just as vital so you don't end up the colleague who always gets the coffee, or the one who walks the dog in the rain.

7 How to use birth control effectively. Raising Hope is an excellent TV comedy, yet raising a child as the result of a one-night stand is not for everyone.

8 How to tie a tie without choking him. Accidentally pulling too tight is not a defence that stands up in court. Plus being all thumbs isn't seductive.

9What you believe in, or you'll end up making the same mistakes over and over. Constantly falling for bad boys is not going to get you a starring role in a real-life Modern Family.

10Sex cliches are cliches for a reason: they work . . . get a hotel room, have a date night, wear sexy undies.

11 Understand the terms RAM, ROM, CPU, hard drive, floppy drive and memory. He might not be around when your computer crashes.

12 How to break destructive patterns and habits. Nicotine isn't the sexiest of scents.

13 Spot a fake (handbag, diamond, potential friend . . .).

14 Accept you do not want to know what he is thinking. Although, come on men, when asked what you're thinking, 'Nothing' is not the most impressive of answers.

15 People will judge you on how you look. Yep, we're shallow as a species, so start dressing like the person you want to be instead of the flibbertygibbet you are.

16How to ride a motorcycle. Let the thrill seeker inside you out.

17How to use drills, hammers, saws, wrenches, etc. Have you seen the prices tradesmen charge?

18 Put a flat-pack piece of furniture together so it stands straight. Don't bother trying to go to the moon, getting a flat-pack table to stand straight is a stupendous feeling.

19Swim well enough to save yourself. Is there an alternative?

21 Search the web for information, make a reservation online, shop online, chat online. Translation: be able to stalk an ex on Facebook.

22 Understand that making a man hold your handbag makes him feel degraded. No, it doesn't help if it's your favourite Chanel.

23 Do household repairs, such as minor fixes to the sink or toilet and change a plug etc. You could just scream in frustration, but this has been scientifically proven to fix nothing whatsoever.

24 Have the courage of your convictions. Not speaking up when someone is being bullied/taken advantage of/harassed/cheated is as damaging to you.

25How to clean and bandage a minor bloody injury without fainting. Collapsing at the sight of your own split thumb is not cool.

26Know whenyou need help. Being confident enough to ask for it is different from being a whinge.

27 Men are not mind readers. Tell him what you want. Or insist he keeps receipts.

29 How to walk in high heels. As opposed to swaggering, swaying or stuttering in stilettos.

30Know your monthly fixed costs, and have the financial acumen to meet them. Lord knows, they'll probably bring back debtors' prisons next.

31 Keep a child or adult of any age entertained for at least 10 minutes. Chocolate comes in handy in both cases.

32 If he cheats once and gets away with it, he'll have an eye out for another opportunity. The look on his face which you think is gratitude for forgiveness, is in fact him telling himself he's a genius for getting off.

33 How to throw a dinner party without poisoning anyone. It will be your turn eventually so you may as well learn a recipe.

35Put up a book shelf. Yes, we're presuming you own some books.

36Do something your friends don't approve of. It's fun being the annoying one, as well as proving to yourself you have a mind of your own.

37Find your own look . . . never ever be persuaded to wear a hair band over the age of 10. Whoever started this trend was laughing their socks off.

38 Know your correct bra size. And tell him in the lead-up to Valentine's Day.

39Be honest with your GP, it could save your life. If you feel nervous going to a surgery, make a list of all your complaints. Medical ones, that is.

40Falling devastatingly, helplessly, and head-over-heels in love is never a matter of choice. When you're hooked, you can only pray he is too.

41A jumper every Christmas does not constitute a gift. A gift voucher does though.

42 How to apologise when wrong. It's a five-letter word for goodness sake . . . 'Sorry'.

43If you want a man to be brilliant, tell him he is. Criticising a man makes him shut down and become belligerent and sulky.

44Jealousy is a good thing. As is rivalry. And competitiveness. These feelings were put on earth to drive us on to succeed more, and exceed our expectations.

45How to negotiate a salary and/or pay raise, otherwise, the person next to you will end up earning more for the same job.

46To listen to someone in need. Even if the person is demented or draining. In the hope a listening ear will be reciprocated.

47A sense of humour gains us friends. Provided you're not poking fun at your friends, that is.

48Beauty products will not make you look like the girl in the ad. Even the girl in the ad doesn't look that good because of cosmetics. It's called air-brushing.

50Your best friend doesn't always have your best interests at heart. She wants to tell you the truth about that ugly top, but you wearing it only makes her look so much prettier.

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