herald

Monday 21 August 2017

STEAM-CLEANING your LADY PARTS IS JUST one STEP TOO FAR...

Maggie was on a rant about how easily the beauty industry can make women feel their bodies aren't good enough, and one lady in particular was on her mind.

"I suppose she has to be applauded for not going down the vaginoplasty route because that's just mental stuff but, on the other hand, if she thinks a vajacial is going to sort her out then she has another think coming," she said as she flicked some cookie crumbs off her bosom.

"I mean, you can dress it up all you like but a middle-aged nellie by its very nature has more stretch in it than Andy McNab's bagpipes. And no matter what anyone tells you, slapping on egg whites isn't going to make any difference," she added.

The lady in question is a 41-year-old woman in the UK called Lisa Palmer. Lisa has herself down as a bit of a cougar, but felt she wasn't getting enough action because, while she had always looked after her face and figure, she had neglected to look after her nethers.

When she dated her first younger man she had a quick peek and was horrified to discover that that it was a bit wrinkly ( I thought they all looked like that) and believed she needed to do something about it.

Unable to afford surgery, she decided a vajacial would do the trick and turned to her fridge to sort out the problem. She ended up mixing coconut oil, vitamin E, honey and a stiff egg white before heating them in the microwave for 20 seconds and then slapping them on her lady parts so that it looked like a pavlova before it goes in the oven.

"If that was my fridge I would probably have mixed white wine with rashers and strawberry jam," said Patsy. "I wonder what I would have ended up with?"

A rash probably.

STEAM

Anyway, Lisa advises that before you even contemplate the pavlova thing you must first steam your nethers to make sure they are absolutely clean. (Why can't she have a shower like everyone else?).

"Steam them with what?" Josie wanted to know.

"Maybe one of those steam cleaners you get in Woodies," Patsy offered.

"I think they are more to do with removing mould from grout," Maggie said.

That was an image I could have done without.

Lisa, bless her, actually believes that all this faffing around with steam and cream has improved her lovelife because her nethers now have a 'youthful glow'.

For gawds sake Lisa, nellies do not glow unless they are radioactive or backlit by a 60-watt bulb. Of course she disagrees, claiming all the men she has been with say she has the lady parts of a 25-year-old.

That would be funny if it weren't so bloody depressing.

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