herald

Wednesday 18 October 2017

Ready, Teddy - go!

Maggie opted for a skinny latte and a Danish pastry for her mid-morning snack.

I noticed that she was also loading up her plate with eight pats of butter.

"That's bad for your heart," I said to her.

"Au contraire," she replied. "Apparently, it's the only way to drink your coffee now if you want to be really healthy. It's all the rage in America and it can help you lose weight."

I seriously doubt that claim and reckon that sometime in the near future the only way a vascular surgeon will be able to blow fat out of Maggie's arteries will be with a bicycle pump.

"Everyone knows Americans are nuts," said Patsy who is actually 10 times madder than any American I ever met.

"I read somewhere recently that they are bringing out a vibrator that doubles up as a teddy bear."

Patsy then went on to loudly describe the vibrator, which has the queasy moniker of Teddy Love, in great detail.

According to Patsy, the vibrating functions are in his nose and tongue and the controls are in his ears.

"How do you know this stuff?" I asked her, convinced that she spends her weekends in online chat rooms talking to perverts.

She had actually read the article in an esteemed American newspaper and was able to show it to me on her phone. There was even a picture of Teddy Love. I had to enlarge it because I forgot my reading glasses and I wish I hadn't. Teddy Love suddenly loomed out of the screen frightening the life out of me.

Creepy

He really is an actual teddy bear but he looked more than a little creepy with his dead eyes, dickey bow and sticky-out tongue.

The company that makes Teddy Love are seeking funding to bring their product to a shop near you and, to impress future investors, say that, "Our product, Teddy Love, is a unique, discreet and loveable adult teddy bear. Teddy has a robust 10-speed motor housed in the muzzle. The result is a strong vibration in both the nose and tongue of the bear."

Maggie, meanwhile, had no interest whatsoever in a vibrating teddy bear.

Instead, she was dropping pats of butter into her skinny latte like coins into a wishing well.

"It's skinny latte for a reason, Maggie," I said to her.

Ignoring me, she stirred her coffee and then slurped the froth. I could see the butter rising to the top like chicken fat. She took another slurp and grimaced.

"What's it like?" asked Patsy.

"Gross," was the answer.

A bit like the muzzle on Teddy Love.

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