herald

Thursday 18 September 2014

My man wants to bed other women

QMY boyfriend wants us to have an open relationship so that he can date other girls. We're both 19 and have been dating for 18 months now, but I always feel he's looking at other girls when we're out.

I've told him he can either grow up or get himself a new girlfriend as having one boyfriend is enough trouble for me.

I've tried to make it sound like I am laughing at his suggestion.

Now he says he loves me, but that I've forced him to go behind my back and lie to me so that we can stay together.

Sadly I love this guy. Am I mad to think he'll ever stop wanting to sleep with other girls?

AI always aim to reserve judgment on people as you can never fully understand what an individual is going through, or their motivations for certain behaviours. But in this case, I'm shocked that you would even consider an open relationship with a guy who wants to sleep with other people.

Your boyfriend is trying to have the best of both worlds, with little regard for how this will affect you.

Unfortunately, because you're not both in agreement, I predict it will end badly. The jealousy and hurt will ultimately end the relationship on bad terms, and may also destroy your confidence and trust in men and future relationships.

I think you know that this is the case, yet you're clinging into him because you still have feelings for him.

You deserve far more respect than this, and you need a guy to commit to you fully.

My strong advice is to follow your intuition, and end this relationship if you don't feel that you can trust him. It will be for the best as you both want different things.

QI was shocked when a good friend turned up at a 21st birthday party last weekend wearing nearly the same dress as me. Hers was a sexier version of the dress because it was shorter than mine, but in every other way it was nearly identical and was the exact same colour.

People made a joke of it, but I sensed they thought she looked better in her dress than I did in mine.

She was shopping with me when I bought the dress and knew I was going to wear it to the party.

It's not the first time she has copied my style, but I have never made an issue of it because my mum said to just treat it like a compliment.

But I don't feel flattered and instead feel furious. We're a close-knit group of friends so how do I say something without causing a big row?

AIt was certainly no accident that she arrived in the same dress as you, and it certainly does seem like a strange thing to do. Unless she has a particularly eccentric sense of humour and saw this as

a funny practical joke, she wore this for attention. It's understandable that you were shocked, as it's hardly a loyal way for her to behave, and it would be difficult to feel flattered.

My advice is to raise the issue with her privately. Without being accusatory, ask her straight up why she wore the same dress as you.

Give her a chance to defend herself and see what she has to say about it.

There's no need to cause fights or ructions within the group, but you deserve an explanation from this girl, and an assurance that it won't ever happen again.

QMy boss has invited me for a drink to discuss some plans he has for the company.

He says he would really value my advice as my background is in IT and I used to run my own web design company.

My female colleagues are all throwing their eyes to heaven and saying he has a reputation and that it's just like him to invite the new female employee out for a drink.

I am ambitious by nature and want to get ahead and plan to go out for the drink with him, but I also want to make it clear that my interest is purely professional.

How can I do this diplomatically?

ABy all means go out with him for a drink and take the opportunity to show off your knowledge and experience in IT. While he may have a reputation, he is still a professional whose interests are in developing the company, and it's a great chance for you to build up your career prospects.

My advice is to meet up with him, but make sure you're always the one who is in control.

Keep it strictly business and keep a close eye on how much alcohol is consumed, or consider drinking none at all. If he tries anything on with you, don't be afraid to firmly explain to him that you're there only in a professional capacity.

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