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Friday 2 December 2016

Modern Dublin man’s survival guide to clothes shopping in the city…

File photo: Best of luck, lads. Trust us when we say you’ll need it…
File photo: Best of luck, lads. Trust us when we say you’ll need it…

It’s rough out there in the wilderness. And, by wilderness, we mean high street. Seriously, shopping for clothes is hard work.

Too many dos, don’ts, ‘bargains’, trends and check shirts. Too many people. Too many stores. Too many…things, basically.

On one hand, it’s kinda fun and exciting. On the other, it stresses the hell out of us. Which is why we thought we’d put together something of a survival guide for the modern Dublin man (whatever that is) to keep in mind whenever hitting the shops of a lazy Saturday afternoon in search of something new and shiny to decorate themselves in. Plan ahead, that’s our motto. And, of course, remember to come home with something that actually fits. Best of luck, lads. Trust us when we say you’ll need it…

1. Whip out your smartphone there and pick the stores in advance. Town is way too busy to start ‘exploring’ at the weekend. Go with five, make sure you know where they are and draw up a plan. Insert water breaks where necessary.

2. Avoid xxxx. There’s a reason we’ve labelled the store xxxx. It’s because we don’t want to get in trouble. But then, everyone knowns that every top you buy in xxxx shrinks after just one wash. Pain in the behind, like (nice slacks, though). Ask your mate what and/or where xxxx is. Believe us, they’ll know.

3. M in one store is often the same as L in another.

4. M in one store is often the same as S in another.

5. The people in charge of sizes and labelling are idiots.

6. This new trend of ‘longer length’ shirts makes us look like we’re wearing capes.

7. Superheroes wear capes. We secretly love it.

8. Avoid the cropped trousers (the ones that stop above your ankles). They’re just silly.

9. When in doubt, go with socks. If we can see your ankles, we can see too much.

10. Asking a member of staff for help is okay. In fact, it’s recommended.

11. Asking a member of staff for style tips isn’t. This is bleedin’ Penneys we’re in. You’ll figure it out as you go along.

12. Denim on denim never works. Never. Why do you think Hozier ditched it?

13. Everything in check is cool. Everything in check will always be cool.

14. A proper flannel shirt will sweat the bejaysus out of you. And don’t be fooled into thinking that 65 quid for one top is a bargain. Break it down for a second – this is a shirt on which a hundred and one little red and black lines and/or boxes are printed. €35 and no more, you got it?

15. Bootcut was never the way to go. Unless you still frequent Flannery’s.

16. Walk away from the blue stone washed jeans. Walk away from them now, please.

17. Skinny-stretch is your friend. Skinny-stretch is the right choice. Preferably, in black and/or grey.

18. There is such a thing as too skinny, you know. Wasn’t some girl in Australia recently hospitalised after her jeans cut off the blood supply to her feet or something? Jaypers. Stay safe, fashion lovers.

19. It’s been half an hour - go and reward yourself with a coffee.

20. Always, always try stuff on.

21. No selfies in the dressing room. It’s almost as bad as the voting booth selfie. Almost.

22. Never, ever bring a mate / boyfriend / girlfriend shopping. You’re a grown man. You’ve got this.

23. 40 quid for a T-shirt is too much.

24. You’re not supposed to stay in a clothes store for more than 20 minutes. That much exposure to DEAFENING ELECTRO POP (the kind they only play in clothes stores) can have lasting effects on your health (or so we’ve heard). Get in and get out – as quickly as possible. Preferably, with something stylish in your bag.

25. The wrong sunglasses can ruin an outfit. Think movie-star classic and you’re on your way to…

26. Wait. We said classic, not Ray-Ban. There’s a reason we never go with the Ray-Bans.

27. Everyone eventually leaves their sunglasses in the back of a taxi.

28. If you’re under the age of 80, then you are too young to tuck in a casual shirt.

29. The only way you can look like a hipster is if you are, indeed, a hipster. And besides, hipsters don’t shop at xxxx.

30. Trilby hats are in. Unfortunately, yours will probably end up in the same spot as your Ray-Bans.

31. You are supposed to be able to breathe in a suit. And go easy on the suit moolah. Just remember, you’ll only get maybe two, three wears out of it this year.

32. There’s a reason Conor McGregor is the only Irishman alive that can pull off a dickie bow. We don’t need to explain what that reason is.

33. DO NOT BUY A FAT TIE.

34. When in doubt, go with desert boots.

35. Laces are so last century, though. Difficult to hide, too. Shoes are, indeed, tricky. Maybe just stick with Converse. Footwear for every occasion, indeed.

36. Do not spend a fortune on the following items: belt, jocks, socks, vests, wallets, onesies, etc. In other words, the only things you’ll never wear ON THE OUTSIDE in public. Unless you’ve gone too far with No. 7.

37. It’s not a bargain if it’s still over a hundred quid.

38. Take it as a compliment if a member of staff asks if you have a student card.

39. It’s been scientifically proven that 10am on a Saturday morning is the absolute perfect time to go clothes shopping in Dublin. Seriously, we do it all the time. Not a single soul in the stores. It’s wonderful.

40. Short shorts will never be in.

41. Neither will summer shirts featuring pineapples, brollies, cocktails, animals…do you want us to go on? Oh, and back away from the three-quarter lengths….now.

42. Every dude in Ireland should own an umbrella (try Penneys again). No excuses, like.

43. The rolled-up short-sleeve shirt look is deadly.

44. Roll ‘em all the way up to your shoulders and you’re in trouble.

45. Don’t ruin a nice shirt by covering it with a jumper. You’ve got all winter to do that. Also, V-neck shirts are a bad idea. Two words, lads: Simon Cowell.

46. Accessories are a must. So long as you don’t jangle when you walk. No man or woman should ever jangle when they walk.

47. Always plan the post-shopping celebrations. See you at the pub in five, yeah?

48. Football jerseys, when worn outside of a stadium / park / pub / on any other day that isn’t match day, are a no-no. Also, do not spend more than is necessary on a pair of tracksuit bottoms. And by that, we mean a score, max.

49. Taylor Swift was right – the white T-shirt never goes out of style. Stock up, boys.

50. Go back to that first point for a second. Yeah, why didn’t we just do our shopping online? Huh…

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