Author Claire Allan's struggle to bond with her first baby, and the emptiness and bleakness of feeling she wasn't a good mother, undermined her confidence so much that she didn't think she would ever be able to have a second child.

Yet her dream of having a sibling for five-year-old Joseph came true last March when she gave birth to daughter Cara. Her arrival was the toughest decision writer Claire has ever had to make -- what if she once again had to do battle with the post-natal depression which had wrecked her life following the birth of her first child?

In an uplifting account of the arrival of her new baby, Claire offers hope to all young mums who have suffered from the condition. Her new novel, Jumping in Puddles, which is out this month, shows that there really is light at the end of the tunnel for any new mum enduring the darkness of depression after having a baby.

"I was on a high for days after my daughter Cara was born last March. There were no feelings of failure, of drudgery, of having made a mistake. Yes, there were tough days and there were days when I wondered if things were going wrong again. That was one of the toughest aspects -- wondering if a bad day was something more when in fact it was just a bad day.

"But I also knew the signs -- if I felt exhausted, I asked for help, which is something I didn't do first time around. If I felt down, I cried. I didn't bottle it up. And I allowed myself to fall in love with my baby completely and to forgive myself for all my previous failings. Why was I so alert to my moods? Because I had previously suffered from postnatal depression, and having Cara has healed me in so many ways. Her birth has proved to me that it isn't a lie -- motherhood can be the most rewarding, all encompassing joyful experience.

"Having a second baby, and facing the risk of postnatal depression again, has been the most powerful experience of my life.

"It took me and my husband a long time to build up the courage to try for baby number two. It wasn't because I had a particularly tough first pregnancy, or even a particularly rough labour [although it was no walk in the park] -- but the months after the birth of our son were among the toughest I had ever experienced.

"I had been crippled by depression -- by plummeting self-esteem -- and I had felt completely robbed of my motherhood experience. Where was the rush of love I had been promised?

"My first thoughts on my son Joseph's arrival into this world were 'Thank God, that's over'. My second were that I was just very, very tired and that is how I felt for the following year.

"Tired -- and robotic -- I could do everything he needed but I couldn't feel. I thought every mother in the world before had lied to me and the rush of love was a myth. I just felt like a drone -- and a useless woman who could not do motherhood right. What kind of mother didn't feel that all-encompassing love for her child? What kind of mother thought it would be just perfectly lovely if someone took him away for a night, or a week, or a month?

"I was scared to do it again. I was scared of putting my son -- who I had grown to love so fiercely -- through another experience of the mad mammy, especially now that he would be old enough to remember it. And I was scared to put my husband through it again, and our new baby. But most of all, I was scared to put myself through it. I honestly did not know if I could survive it a second time.

"But last year, with our son approaching five, we decided to take a leap of faith. I knew I wanted just one more baby. So we plunged headlong in to the world of trying to conceive hoping things would be different, although we knew that statistically, having had post-natal depression once I was more likely to have it a second time.

"I fell pregnant quickly -- and a whole host of emotions came tumbling in. Would I be okay? Would I feel like I was betraying my darling son Joseph if I was okay? And if I wasn't fine -- how would we cope? It was a crazy mixed-up time and I felt as if I might actually lose it at several stages through my pregnancy.

Exploded

"My previous experience of post-natal depression stopped me bonding with my unborn baby. I truly believed there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell of me bonding with her when she was born, even though we found out fairly early on that she would be the daughter I had always dreamed of.

"But as I gave birth, something clicked. This was it. This was what all the books had spoken about. As she was born, and I was encouraged to reach down and feel her head as it crowned my heart exploded with joy.

"This was my baby and this was what it was supposed to be like. As I held her in my arms, my tears were of joy. My heart was overwhelmed.

"But more than that, the guilt didn't kick in. I didn't feel swamped with feelings that I had somehow let down Joseph by loving her instantly. In fact, if anything, I loved him more and my first words to my girl were 'Hello baby. We have waited for you for such a long time. You have the best big brother in the world'."

Jumping In Puddles, by Claire Allan, is published by Poolbeg and priced €12.99

- Anna Coogan