I can just about take Myleene Klass prancing around in her underwear in the M&S adverts. She seems like a nice girl and the bras and knickers she's wearing are the sort of things I can aspire to.

They come in my size and even though the briefs' polka dots will end up stretched across my ass like elongated rugby balls, at least most of my flesh will be curtailed within rather than outside the brushed cotton.

Agent Provocateur, however, is a whole different ball game. The UK-based lingerie company recently announced its new campaign entitled "Tableaux Vivant -- The Season of the Witch!" Bearing in mind that we are just talking knickers here, Agent Provocateur, in a fit of hyperbole, describe The Season of the Witch! as "inspired by the work of Paul Delaroche's (don't worry, I haven't a clue who he is either); The Execution of Lady Grey, mixed with The Massacre of the Innocents by Peter Paul Rubens."

They go on to inform us that their version includes a host of international beauties. Well, it was hardly going to be a couple of fatties from the midlands, was it?

Anyway, a quick click on their website and the massacre of my own innocence was soon revealed.

You'll be glad to know that pomegranates are still the fruit of the season and a close-up of one being rubbed up and down the outside of a thigh, encased in a fishnet stocking, sets the scene. Both legs then part until they are as wide as the Gap of Dunloe as the pomegranate, spilling over with juice, is moved to the inner thigh and rises upwards.

This is followed by a close up of a model -- who looks very like Peaches Geldof -- pouting for her life. The words "Follow the Virgin" are then splashed across the screen.

What comes next is basically a pagan romp through a sea of miniscule underwear, submissive young men with flowing locks, knives, big red lipstick, a bucket of drool and lots of large breasts heaving like asthmatics who have forgotten their inhalers.

At the end of it all you can decide whether to save the virgin (not that I saw any) or become a slave.

Why any of this happens I'm not sure, but by the end of the video my credit card was out of my wallet and ready to purchase a thong -- until I saw the price of it. At £75 (€92) it seemed a lot when my local shop sells the equivalent (leather bootlaces) for €4. The fishnet tights might be better value except that I'll probably end up looking like something a trawler man might dredge up in his net on Deadliest Catch. I'll settle for the polka dots.

- Marie Carberry