herald

Saturday 21 October 2017

New underwear now gives us all a boost

WE WERE back in Avoca last week to celebrate the end of my radiotherapy.

The size of their Pavlova slices brought tears to my eyes but, because of my self-imposed no-sugar diet, it was “no can do”. It didn't, however, stop the drool running down my chin. Maggie, who is taking my future life seriously, nudged me in the ribs and urged me to move along.

“You and your cancer can't have any of those,” she said sternly. “Have a nice brown scone instead.” She plonked one on my plate and point blank refused to let me have any jam. Some celebration this was turning out to be.

“Did anyone hear Ray D’Arcy talking this morning about those new shape-wear underpants that M&S are bringing out for men?” asked Patsy as we sat down.

As she posed the question she fanned herself with her hand as a hot flush filled her face, which always happens when she talks about men's underwear.

At her age you would think she would know better.

Anyway, yes indeed, M&S are bringing out shape-wear for men in the form of bottom boosters which will lift the buttocks of the man in your life by a fifth, which really won't make much difference if his buttocks are swinging just above the backs of his knees. Still, as they say “every little helps”.

“It's not the bum lifters I was thinking about,” said Patsy, as sweat broke out on her brow. Of course it wasn't. What Patsy was thinking about was the other pair of pants M&S will be selling. Twisting themselves inside out not to directly refer to a man's nether regions; they deftly call them the “frontal enhancement” pant.

These pants use an “integral shelf ” (a bit like what some diminutive actors use in their shoes to gain a couple of inches in height) which gives the wearer a “38pc visual enhancement in size”.

David Binns, head of M&S's men's underwear claims that their technologists have worked hard to engineer these two styles so that they are comfortable to wear and give real results.

He adds: “These pants provide a real confidence boost for men and we think they will prove popular with our customers.”

“I'm sure they will but what happens to his confidence when the poor man has to take them off ?” asked Josie.

“What do you mean?” said Patsy. “Well, in the same way our boobs flap around our navel when we remove our push-up bras, in one fell swoop he and his integral shelf will go from a 38pc enhancement to fiscal rectitude.”

“But you don't have to worry about that,” said Maggie. “Why not?” asked Patsy. “Because you don't have a man.”

That settled that.

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