Digested Read: Through thick and thin by Gok Wan
Haven't got time to read the latest best seller? Then let Declan Burke do it for you with his condensed version of the week's biggest book, Through thick and thin by Gok Wan
"It's me, Gok Wan. The irrepressibly impish chappie who literally dresses better than you and takes a size smaller to boot, literally.
"But only in an impishly gay, non-threatening way. And so long as the boot is literally Jimmy Choo.
"Mind you, darlings, I wasn't always this fabulous. The catwalk wasn't always a cakewalk for me (sob). I grew up fat, Asian and bullied -- in Leicester!
"And when I say fat, I mean I was literally 21 stone. Eeek!
"The trouble was, my family owned a Chinese restaurant. And they literally loved me too much. The bad love, darlings, not the tough love. Wok Gone, they called me (sob).
"Being Asian, gay and 21 stone, I took refuge in the world of performing arts.
"My first idea for a TV show was literally genius. It was called 'How To Look Good Naked -- To Cannibals!' The producers literally laughed me out of the building. Or they would have, if I hadn't got stuck in the revolving doors.
"'I'll show them,' I resolved impishly. So I went home and made myself over. Amazing how a pair of Chinese restaurant curtains can resemble a slinky kimono when draped over 21 stone.
"Then my parents needed the curtains back. So I lost 10 stone in nine months. It's easy when you know how, darlings. I'll tell you all about it in my next book, 'How to Risk Death in Pursuit of Strangers' Approval'.
"Anyhoo, meteor-like ascent, blah-blah, lifestyle-fashion consultant to the stars, blah. Darlings, I worked with Bryan Ferry, All Saints, Lauren Laverne, Wet Wet Wet . . . all the stars. Oh, and Johnny Vaughan.
"So then TV, blah-de-blah, How To Look Good Naked, literally every woman's best friend, etc.
"Gosh, who could've guessed that you could become every woman's VBF by preying on their insecurities?
"But only in an impishly gay, non-threatening way.
"The End, Literally."
The Digested Read, In One Line: Less Wok, Less Gok -- How To Have Your Cake And Eat It (Except Not Literally)