herald

Friday 22 September 2017

Are anti-cellutlite knickers just pants?

The news in the latest edition of the British consumer magazine, Which? that some plastic surgeons and dermatologists are doubtful about the claim that Marks & Spencer's 'firm control and anti-cellulite' knickers actually get rid of cellulite had Maggie's knickers in a bit of a twist.

After all, she has invested a fair amount of money in getting into big knickers over the years and a fair amount of energy trying to get out of them again. The Waist and Thigh Cincher knickers, which she bought because they looked great on the skinny babe who was modelling them, but somehow made Maggie look like a sausage roll, were her favourite as they claimed to be 'independently proven to reduce visible signs of cellulite'.

The fact that you had to wear these knickers for 10 hours a day, six days a week for four weeks didn't deter her at the time. But now, looking back, she wondered was it worth putting herself through the torture? The cellulite went away when she was wearing them (and why wouldn't it when her legs were squeezed so much her leg fat ended up under her neck, giving her a double chin), but returned with a vengeance when she stopped.

Her thighs presently have as many holes in them as a tournament dartboard.

"The amount of money I've spent on control knickers during the Celtic Tiger could easily have gone on just one gastric band operation and I'd have been done with it. Now, as it is, I haven't a penny to my name and I still have my fat and my cellulite."

With a sigh of regret she reached into her handbag and took out a tiny bottle of perfume and proceeded to spray it about her person as if she were about to be attacked by a swarm of dung beetles. The aroma was so strong that the two flies buzzing around Josie's head nosedived to their death.

"What the hell is that?" asked Patsy, with tears in her eyes.

"I'll have you know that this perfume was inspired by a Venetian beauty and cost me a small fortune." (So much for her not having a penny to her name.)

"I presume this Venetian beauty is dead," said Patsy.

"Of course she is, why?"

"Because she sure smells like it." I nearly choked on my green tea.

"You could always spray it on your cellulite and you'll know then if that doesn't get rid of it nothing will," added Josie.

Maggie replied, through gritted teeth, that she would give it her utmost consideration.

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