Thursday 27 October 2016

Coffee Morning Whispers: Why these horses are really not suitable for any courses

Dance classes
Dance classes

Last year, our local primary school closed down and moved to a new premises. Instead of leaving the building empty, the community decided to reopen the school as a centre for village activities so the locals have something to do on long, dark, cold nights.

We perused the courses on offer as we sipped our wine. Patsy had bought three bottles in Lidl and decided it would be a good idea if we had a wine tasting. As is usual with these things, there was very little tasting and lots of swallowing.

The first course on the list was 'Spanish for Beginners'.

"Now, that would be a good idea for you, Patsy. Then maybe you could let us know what Jose is actually saying," I said to her.

She was most affronted, declaring that, while Jose's English was far from perfect, he had no problem making himself understood.

"So not true. The cat actually understands him better than we do," Maggie said, as she poured a half bottle into her glass. Soon, we wouldn't be able to understand her either.

Patsy muttered something unrepeatable and then scratched through Spanish for Beginners with her newly sharpened pencil as if she was stabbing someone in the back.

Next up was 'Bridge for Beginners'.

"I've heard that bridge players get very serious about their game and if you make a mistake, there could be terrible consequences," Josie said.

"Like what?" I wanted to know.

"Like making you play even more bridge."

Patsy scratched that one with such force she marked the table.

The 'Go for Life' programme also caused a few problems. The description of being for 'older people' put us off straight away even though its aim was to improve joint pain and stiffness and the exercises are modified to the individual.

"Patsy, you should try that one as the only part of you that isn't stiff is your gob," Maggie said.

"I can touch my toes, you know!" Patsy exclaimed, leaning sideways to touch her digits before adding, "and what's more, I can touch Jose's toes with my…"

"ENOUGH!" Josie shrieked. "Move on to the next one."

The next one on the list was Pilates, but as Maggie and I are usually wrecked from our crossfit class, we decided that was a no no as well.

"Well," Patsy said, as she opened another bottle. "That leaves just one class but I can't see any of us being able to squeeze our muffin tops into the tights, never mind being able to stand on our tippy toes. It would be less Swan Lake and more Four Heifers in a Tutu."

Yup, you guessed it. Ballet classes. We all took turns scratching that one…

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