herald

Tuesday 6 December 2016

Coffee Morning Whispers: Just when you thought your nether was safe

Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian

Patsy was scrolling through her Twitter feed with one hand as she tried to butter a fruit scone with the other.

"I swear to God, I look forward to the day when I don't have to look at Donald Trump's hair or Kim Kardashian's backside every time I turn on my phone.

"Is there no proper news anymore?" she grumbled as she continued to get butter everywhere bar the scone.

Then,"Uh oh, wait a second... here's something that might interest you all.

"Have any of ye had your nellie vontoured?" she said in a voice that was ten times the decibel of a foghorn. Women with small children left lest their kids be contaminated by her gob.

Yes ladies, just when I thought there couldn't possibly be anything else to write about the campaign to make our nellies more beautiful, along comes another procedure.

This one is called vonturing - which is guaranteed to give you further neck pain as you bend over backwards to check whether you have the right-shaped privates or not.

The beauty industry, not content with tidying up our nellies and making them more presentable, has now decided that we need less tidying and more tightening.

So, if you think your nethers may be looser than a net of marbles, this could be the job for you.

Vonturing is a non-invasive technique that promises the divil and all through reshaping your privates by stimulating collagen production with thermal energy.

The additional collagen, apparently, makes the skin become more firm and tighter. Hopefully, not too tight as none of us want to end up walking like Calamity Jane after four days in the saddle.

Anyway, the cost for all this nellie tweaking is about £200 (€290) and the treatment is officially called Intima Protégé. I had a gawk at the Intima on your behalf. It looks like a fax machine with a small hairdryer attached.

torch

I'm taking it as a given that it comes with a torch as it can be quite dark where the sun don't shine and, heavens to murgatroyd, we wouldn't want that little hairdryer getting lost up there, now would we?

Dr. Kannan Arthreya, cosmetic doctor at Essex Private Doctors, who offer this treatment in the UK says, "It's amazing how much impact a non-surgical treatment can have on such an intimate area, and we've seen a huge rise in demand as Intima has garnered more prominence."

"I can't see myself lining up for this one," Maggie sighed. "Imagine if the doc overdid it on the thermal energy. That could be the end of my bike riding days."

"Not able to ride your bike would be the least of your problems," replied Patsy.

Indeed.

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