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Saturday 3 December 2016

Coffee Morning Whispers: It's time to wake up and smell those citrus-scented roses

Citrus fruits
Citrus fruits

Maggie was wittering on about some article she read that said if you wear a certain perfume you can appear younger.

She said it with such conviction that I was starting to believe her. Patsy, on the other hand, was a little more circumspect.

"What! Even if your hair is a grey as a badger and your face has more wrinkles than an elephant's testicle?"

It seems so and, according to Maggie, not just younger but sexier, slimmer and even more athletic.

Of course, the people that are making these claims are the perfumers themselves and, well, they would say that, wouldn't they?

"So, before we go anywhere, which are the smells that make you appear sexier?" Patsy wanted to know, as she instagrammed her slice of lemon drizzle cake.

Vanilla mixed with sandalwood, patchouli or courmarin will, apparently, do the trick. Simply dab the concoction on the nape of the neck and behind the ears and, within minutes, there will be a queue of lads at your door, cross-eyed with lust and drooling like tomcats with tartar build-up.

Of course, these ingredients don't come cheap and, mixed together in a perfume bottle, will cost you a day's wages.

Moving swiftly on. If there is a situation where you need to appear calm and composed, say appearing in court for taking money that doesn't actually belong to you, then you need a mixture of juniper cedar wood and bergamot.

I'm not saying the judge will let you off but he may give you a more lenient sentence.

The perfumers also add that 'this group of fragrances is blended with uncompromising clarity'. I don't know what uncompromising clarity means when it comes to perfume but I'm nearly sure a horse with that name ran in the Grand National.

And so, to the one that matters most. A smell that can make the years drop away and give the impression that you are still pre-menopausal and skittish as a new born filly.

This, ladies, is a simple one. Lemon or anything that smells of citrus works here.

Apparently, citrus evokes images of youth, energy and the great outdoors. So if you have a bottle of lemon juice in your cupboard, sprinkle it about your person and before you can say, 'Where's me skipping rope?' you'll be bouncing around the kitchen like a tennis ball and looking younger than Bosco.

"I tell you what I use to make me smell younger," Patsy said. "Baby powder. I lorry it on."

"Where exactly do you lorry it on?" I wanted to know.

"If I tell you then I will have to kill you, but suffice to say Jose can find it."

T.M. Bloody I!

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