herald

Tuesday 6 December 2016

Coffee Morning Whispers: Fit a bit of lovely and rate your performance

Icons for the WhatsApp Inc. mobile-messaging application WhatsApp and the Facebook Inc. application are displayed in a social media folder on the screen of an Apple Inc. iPhone in this arranged photograph taken in London, U.K., on Thursday, Feb. 20, 2014. Facebook, the world’s largest social network, agreed to acquire mobile-messaging startup WhatsApp Inc. for as much as $19 billion in cash and stock, seeking to expand its reach among users on mobile devices. Photographer: Chris Ratcliffe/Bloomberg
Icons for the WhatsApp Inc. mobile-messaging application WhatsApp and the Facebook Inc. application are displayed in a social media folder on the screen of an Apple Inc. iPhone in this arranged photograph taken in London, U.K., on Thursday, Feb. 20, 2014. Facebook, the world’s largest social network, agreed to acquire mobile-messaging startup WhatsApp Inc. for as much as $19 billion in cash and stock, seeking to expand its reach among users on mobile devices. Photographer: Chris Ratcliffe/Bloomberg

Despite what my 17-year-old know-it-all son says, I’m not too bad at the technology lark. I have a smartphone and I can WhatsApp, bank online and Facebook/Tweet whenever the mood takes me.

Oh he can sneer all he likes, but I felt very proud of myself when I recently downloaded a pedometer app to see how far I can walk. However, I confess to being stumped when it comes to a Fitbit — as are some of my girlfriends.

“What is a Fitbit?” Patsy wanted to know.

“A bit that fits obviously,” Maggie offered with a yawn to show how bored she is when the chat turns to IT.

It took Josie to explain to us how a Fitbit is actually a tracker device that you wear and is designed to show you how much activity you do, what calories you have burned and how much sleep you get.

Each time you pass a wireless station it downloads information about your daily routine that you can later peruse online.

It’s like a benign Big Brother — always on hand to remind you that you are either ahead of the posse or have fallen behind on how many steps you should have taken already.

So far, so good, until I read about a Fitbit that can be used to analyse your performance in bed. This Fitbit is called Lovely.

“Where do you attach this so-called Lovely?” Patsy asked.

“You won’t be attaching it anywhere,” I said to her. “It’s the man that wears it.”

She pondered this a while until her eyes widened and her bottom lip surrendered to gravity.

“You mean down there,” she whispered, as she pointed her thumb towards her nether regions.

Yes indeedy, the Lovely (is it just me or does anyone else think this is a sappy name for a male apparatus?) is attached to the base of the man’s trouser snake.

When I mentioned this device to my other half he immediately grabbed the sweeping brush, crossed

his legs and shouted “Hands off!”

Anyway, among other things the Lovely can be used to track the speed and

duration of the job in hand as well as the amount of time spent on foreplay.

“Jaysus, by the time he’s attached the thing, turned it on, waved it about a bit and then made sure it’s all connected to the WiFi, I’ll be fast asleep,” Maggie complained.

Yes, but the great thing is, if you do manage to stay awake, you can then pore over a printout that will tell you if you were doing it the right way up — or not as the case may be.

Who said romance is dead?

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