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Thursday 24 July 2014

Ask Rosanna: My man wants me in handcuffs

Q MY boyfriend wants to handcuff me while we're having sex and it's not something which is turning me on, to be honest. I've asked him what the appeal is and he just shrugged and said it would be sexy. I find the idea about as sexy as eating cold chips.



I've tried to explain to him that I find his wanting to handcuff me worrying, because it's like he wants to have power over me by me not being able to get away. He said I was over-analysing things. Am I being a spoilsport and is there something sexy about handcuffs which I'm just not getting?

A Sex with your partner should always be about what you both consider a turn-on and, most importantly, what you feel comfortable with together. It should be about being able to pleasure each other, otherwise what's the point? However, there seems to have been a large surge of interest in handcuffs and other bondage toys thanks to Fifty Shades of Grey.

If they're used safely by consenting adults, then I don't see the problem, but I would definitely advise you to explain your concerns to your boyfriend and encourage him to think of other things to do in the bedroom that you both find enjoyable. There's no shortage of options!





Q I split up with my ex-boyfriend a year ago because I was fully sure someone better would come along. What a mistake. I'd no idea there were so many idiots out there. One guy stood me up at my friend's wedding and I had to sit through the whole reception with an empty chair beside me.

Another guy said he'd never met anyone like me, but he must have meant on a Tuesday because I discovered he was dating lots of other girls, too. I want my ex back, but he says he doesn't trust me any more. How can I prove to him that I was really stupid to leave him?

A You may have made what you recognise now as a big mistake, but try not to live with regrets. If you hadn't made that jump then you would be still wondering if the grass was really greener on the other side. Now that you've discovered it's not, you will have to focus on rebuilding the trust again with your ex.

I can understand why he doesn't trust you. You probably left him heartbroken and he doesn't want to be put in that position again.

Now that you have decided what you want, you must make new promises to him and start slowly by spending more time with him, developing that friendship again.

Allow him to take it at his own pace and give him plenty of reassurances.

Most importantly, don't do or say anything that might jeopardise this process and break down trust again. Good luck.

Q We've been married three years and have a six-month-old son who has colic and cries incessantly. My husband has moved to the spare room and I've extended my maternity leave on account of being shattered. But moving out of the bedroom seems to have changed my husband.

He spends a lot of time on his laptop or watching TV, and goes to the gym or plays golf on weekends and insists he needs time to unwind.

I'm feeling very lonely and stressed out but my husband doesn't seem to care enough to offer any support.

A I understand your reasons for writing to me, as some outside perspective from another person can be reassuring and help put your mind at ease. However, I really feel that this is an issue you need to raise at home with your husband.

You seem to be struggling with new parenthood and the lack of sleep, not to mention the stress of your son's health.

My advice is to first take steps to improve his colic by natural means if possible.

Consult a healthcare professional and try to ascertain the causes and a safe treatment plan.

Helping him should improve your quality of sleep, too.

I strongly urge you to have a serious chat with your husband and explain how much his support is needed at this time, more than ever.

Encourage his hobbies and time off once he does his bit to help you out. You need to reach a happy compromise so that you can all thrive.

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