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Tuesday 2 September 2014

Ask Rosanna: Is virgin taking me for a ride?

Q I'M dating a girl for the past month who yesterday told me that she doesn't intend to have sex until she is married.

TO be honest, I'm worried I might be taken for a bit of a ride here, and I don't mean that to sound like a pun. Because clearly it's not, and like I've said, there's been no sex whatsoever, and not much intimacy at all that I could write to you aboutI like her a lot, she's the sort of girl who never makes a fuss and always has a smile on her face and has time for everyone and is pretty and sexy to boot. But waiting until marriage, I mean, I don't know anyone who has married until they've been together at least three or four years. That's a long time.

Do girls like this really exist, who are virgins at age 22, or am I being made a right fool of here?

A I would imagine that this girl is being genuine and truthful when she says that she wants to wait until she's married to have sex. It would be a pretty strange thing to joke about, but she may also want to test your strength of character and to see if you will stay with her because you truly like her as a person.

But you must make this decision for yourself now. If you really like her then it shouldn't be a reason to break up with her and it also paints you in a rather unflattering light. You may want to discuss your feelings on intimacy and explore ways of enjoying each other physically without having full sex. There are many ways you can still enjoy each other and have fun without going the full way!

Q I recently read my daughter's diary and was shocked to discover that one of her friends has just returned from the UK following an abortion. They are 16, and I don't even know how she could have a procedure like that without her parents' consent, being so young. But from what I've read her parents have no idea that she's been having a sexual relationship, never mind that she was pregnant.

I'm devastated for her, she's a lovely girl and very childish in many ways and I just want to hug her. At the same time, I feel I have a duty to talk to her parents, which of course will be seen as a terrible betrayal by this girl; not to mention my own daughter, who will kill me for having read her private journal.

A I appreciate how shocked you must be as a parent. You had no idea that a girl of her age was capable of doing that, and no doubt you're wondering if your own daughter is also in a sexual relationship and putting herself at risk of an unwanted pregnancy. However, I would strongly advise you to stay out of this girl's life. I don't think you're in a position to intrude, and you have already invaded your daughter's privacy in a very bad way. You could really cause an awful lot of hurt and upset by telling her parents of her secret abortion.

My advice is to focus on your relationship with your daughter, her health and her understanding of safe sex. Don't be afraid to speak with her and ensure she's fully educated on the topic.

Q We've had terrible trouble with my dad and his drinking over the years, and many occasions in our house have been ruined because of him picking fights for no good reason. So we're all delighted that he joined AA last summer. Recently he told me someone I know has been attending these meetings.

He never could keep a secret. I find this person unbearably smug and self-satisfied and mean-spirited, and have to bite my tongue whenever I'm in her company. Now I don't understand how she can be so hard on other people when she has her own problems. I have some understanding of addiction through my dad but I'm still worried I won't be able to stop myself from telling her where to go the next time she makes a boastful comment at my expense.

A I can understand how tempting it must be to tell this person exactly what you know about her, but what would that solve? You would only be bringing negativity into your own life.

So I feel that making a comment is best avoided and it would be better to just ignore whatever she says to you. If I were you, I would feel sorry for her as she is clearly suffering, and enjoy the fact that you know this secret as no doubt she would be devastated if she thought you knew. Just continue supporting your dad's journey and stay away from confrontation and negativity.

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