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Saturday 3 December 2016

Ask Rosanna: 'I went online in my search for love, but men there just want sex'

Rosanna Davison
Rosanna Davison

Are online dating sites only for men looking for sex, wonders one reader?

Q: I've been dating online as it seems to be the way these days, but I keep meeting tossers - they are never anything like the profile they load up in looks or personality and tend towards the more basic end of the spectrum and, of course, want to shag you and then move on.

Is there a way to filter these losers out and meet someone nice or is online dating just the lower end of the spectrum and filled with men just taking advantage?

In the world of online dating, creating a false persona and uploading photos that are far more flattering than the person really looks, is very much what you can expect.

It's all too easy to build yourself up online, only revealing the very best parts of your life, interests and personality.

I would also imagine that online dating is used by many as a means to hook-up when the urge hits. So plenty of people aren't in it to find a long-term partner.

But please don't lose hope either. My advice is to focus on meeting somebody in 'real life', and introductions through friends are really one of the best ways to do this.

Ask around to see if any of your friends or their partners know any nice single guys, and arrange a group dinner or night out.

It means there's no pressure either way, and you can take everything at your own pace. If nothing else, at least you'll have a fun night out and expand your circle of contacts and you never know what might come from that.

Q: I was never popular in primary school - do you have any tips on how I can be in with the cool crowd in secondary school, which I have just started?

I'm just so tired of being seen as brainy and boring and want these school years to be more exciting.

It's not that I want to go wild but I think it would be nice to be less shy and more able to hold my own with people. I just don't know what makes me not get picked to be part of the gang.

I really think that it's important for you to take your focus away from being seen as 'cool', and just be yourself as much as you possibly can.

If you try too hard to be seen as part of the cool or popular crowd, then you're likely going to put on an act for these people, which means you won't be true to yourself.

That won't mark a good start to your secondary school life as it's really important to be your authentic self, and the truth will always emerge one way or the other.

My advice is to be yourself and aim to get to know like-minded others in your class. There will always be a great diversity of personalities and interest in school, so get to know those that have similar interests as you and make the effort to meet up with them after school and on weekends.

That makes a big difference to building lasting friendships.

Q: I've been seeing a married man - he has three young children but says he doesn't sleep with his wife any more and is waiting for the kids to be a bit older before he can leave her.

So far so stereotypical - except I believe him. My friends think I'm mad to wait around for him and say that at my age, 33, I should know better.

Plus, they are also warning me about my own fertility and that he might not want more children.

In theory, I know that there is merit in all these points that they are making, but I am really in love with this man and we have such a great time together.

It's been going on for two years now so I realise that I am risking a lot here the longer that things continue in this fashion, but it's very hard to walk away from someone you love, even if the circumstance you met in are as complicated as these.

A very close friend, who is not judgemental about what we are doing, has said that it might be time for me to give my lover an ultimatum and see how this plays out.

She says that I need some clarification about the future so that I can live life to the full.

It's certainly not my place, or anybody else's, to judge you for this, because you're well aware of the risk that you're taking.

However, I would urge you to consider all aspects of your situation.

I do appreciate that you trust him, and really want to believe that he will leave his wife and family for you. But your friend is right - there needs to come a point when decisions about your future must be made.

Even more important than that, you must consider all of the people and lives that will be affected and most likely damaged if your affair becomes public knowledge.

There are three young children involved, who absolutely don't deserve the upheaval that their father leaving their mother will cause.

Not to mention the pain that I would imagine it will cause his wife.

No matter what state their marriage is in, they still made a lifetime commitment to each other and are raising a family together.

If I were you, I would think very long and hard about continuing the relationship and holding out for this man.

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