herald

Wednesday 22 October 2014

A&E trip takes the shine off a vajazzle

Did you know that more people are killed by bathrooms than are killed by sharks? Yup, that's right, about 9,000 people are done in by their bathrooms every year in the US compared to around 10-15 killed by sharks around the world. .

Really, this statistic should read 'in their bathrooms' rather than 'by their bathrooms'. After all, it's the stupid things people do in there that gets them killed, which is hardly the bathroom's fault

Spatula

Take Patsy, for instance. A couple of years ago, she carried out her first DIY Brazilian in her en suite. With one leg firmly planted on the floor and the other lodged on the toilet cistern, she proceeded to slap on about a pound of wax to her nethers.

As it hadn't been heated properly, the wax formed into lumps which stuck to her fingers as well as the spatula.

Frustrated, she tamped down the wax strip anyway and then tried to reef everything off in the one go.

The pain was so bad that her leg went to jelly and collapsed beneath her.

As she fell over she pulled the toilet roll holder from the wall and crowned her head off the shower door on her way down. As she lay on the ground, with one leg still in the air and clumps of tepid wax stuck to her nellie, she considered herself lucky to be still alive.

I'm mentioning all of this because vajazzling and waxing are thought to have contributed to the 50pc increase in people turning up to A&E over the past five years ~in the UK with injuries relating to their private parts.

Porridge

Cuts leading to infection appear to be the leading cause of waxing injuries, but it's rather more difficult to pin down just exactly how the vajazzling injuries are happening.

For those of you uninitiated with the premise of vajazzling, it's where the nether regions are groomed and then decorated with glitter and rhinestones so as to make it more attractive to passers-by.

Perhaps the injuries are occurring because some women are unclear as to where exactly to place the rhinestones and are putting them in the wrong place, eventually coughing half of them up into their porridge a week later, with the remainder getting lodged in their gall bladder.

Or, maybe men are shaking too much glitter into their underpants; thereby causing an itch that develops into a rash which goes on to cause blood poisoning.

"At some stage someone is going to die a horrible death," I added for dramatic effect.

"You really have an over-active imagination," Patsy said. She should know!

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