What if our favourite TV shows were set in Dublin?
Well, the American ones, at least. Indeed, we’ve all thought about it at some stage.
We’ve all watched the online, fan-made ‘trailers’ and opening credit sequences where some of the most popular US comedies, dramas and horrors on the box are given a 60-second Irish makeover. They’re fun and all, but let’s be real for a minute - what would actually happen if you were to transport some of television’s most iconic characters and chancers to Dublin, eh? Whose careers would thrive, and how many would survive, say, a zombie apocalypse? If you ask us, the greatest sitcom of all time would fall apart at the seams, the world’s most glamourous newspaper columnist would run out of dough, and the undead would be free to roam the earth before tea time. But sure look it, that’s just our opinion. And this is exactly what we think would happen if the following TV classics had been set in Dublin’s fair city…
Sex and the City
Sex and the City
It’d never work. Even in the 90s. Celtic Tiger or no, Carrie would have gone broke within a month, flashing all that plastic and spending so much cash on shoes. Get off it. She’d have never had an apartment that big on just one newspaper column a week, either.
No, she’d have had to write quirky pop-culture lists like the rest of us, which might have affected her relationship with Miranda (big-shot lawyers don’t hang around with freelance gossip and list writers). Oh, and the lads she got busy with would probably sue for defamation (Dublin’s too small).
The girls would run out of cocktail bars in, like, a week, and Mr. Big would have lost everything in the bust. But his real name would still be John because, you know, it’s Ireland. As for Samantha, she’d probably be doing PR for Twink, and poor Charlotte would have come to the painful realisation that there’s a lot less money to be made in art when you’re on the wrong side of the Atlantic.
Ah, jaysus. Move the action to the east coast of Ireland and I guarantee you that a strung-out-of-it Jesse would have fecked over Walter White faster than you can say ‘yo, bitch’ (which, this being Dublin and all, would probably have been changed to ‘story, bud’). He’d have never bought Walt that van, to begin with. In all seriousness, Breaking Bad: Inner City Shtyle wouldn’t have made it past the pilot.
Don Draper and Megan Draper in Mad Men
All the lads, with their fashionable sideburns and over-sized spectacles, planning the next big advertising move for Guineys, while the leader of the gang, Don McDraper (sorry) comforts himself with a few pints of the black stuff at Kehoe’s after work. Every. Single. Night. On his own. What, because you think he’s stolen someone else’s identity? Ah no. He’s just Irish is all.
The Big Bang Theory
Poor Sheldon and the boys would get beaten up. At least twice a day. Hey, it’s not as if we’re condoning it or anything. I love those guys, but they’d never survive Dublin. We’re still getting used to comic conventions, home-grown sci-fi may as well be non-existent, and we don’t even get proper solar eclipses. The lads would hate it here. Also, Penny would have killed one of them before the first ad break if she was Irish.
Here’s how it would go: Tony would have worn a tracksuit. Like, all the time. The big boys would be too off their faces to get anything done. Also, Tony’s missus would arrive home one day flaunting a new pair of trainers with her hubby’s gangster-boss name etched into the heels. Later, instead of grabbing a bite to eat at the local diner, the big man would have been hunted down in his own back garden by a friendly pipe-bomb maker called…wait, hold on just a second. That sounds kinda familiar…
His Clooneyness in ER
The ‘Saturday night’ episode would have turned everyone off. For obvious reasons.
The Walking Dead
The Walking Dead
Be all over in one instalment, horror fans. The human race, that is. The slightest sign of a zombie apocalypse in Dublin and we’d all do something stupid, like run upstairs or turn on each other. Plus, the city paths are too narrow (a zombie-survival drawback, for sure). I’m telling ya, Handsome Rick wouldn’t stand a bleedin’ chance, especially if it all went down in Temple Bar. Though, to be fair, there are parts of Dublin that already resemble Frank Darabont’s freaky American horror drama. We wish we were joking.
The cast of Friends
Now this would be interesting. Think about it, Gal Pal Rachel Green and her mates would be forever getting kicked out of the coffee house for never ordering anything. To add to the drama, at least one or two of the gang would have emigrated, and they’d always bitch about someone behind one another’s backs. Like real people do. The whole on/off couple thing would have been an absolute disaster, too (we’d have to pick between Rach and Ross, you guys). Joey’s famous catchphrase? I guarantee it wouldn’t have been ‘how you doin’? Nope, it might have been ‘fancy a ride, darlin’?’ And that definitely doesn’t have the same ring to it. I’ll be there for you? Yeah, okay. But if something better comes along…
The X Files
Man, Mulder and Scully would have had to move for the second season. This city is too weird, even for them.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
A few problems here. First of all, someone would have called the school to complain about the creepy librarian man hanging out with teenagers after hours. Secondly, you could literally stand said pack of Irish teenagers at the mouth of hell, and they’d still throw a tantrum and doubt its existence. So, you know, Giles had a point.
The earth would, in fact, be doomed if left to a gang of moody teens to save it, especially if Buffy and her mates were from Dublin. Plus, werewolves and Billy Idol look-alike demons at the local park? That s*** would be all over Twitter by breakfast time. The lads would never get any peace.
House of Cards
Look what we did with Charlie Haughey’s story. Enough said.
Homer and the gang
Ah yes, now this would definitely work. Basically, it’s a show where all the main characters aren’t very clever, the leading man makes the same mistakes over and over again (and has a drinking problem), continuity is rarely an issue and everybody – and we mean everybody – is judged by neighbours and townsfolk following the slightest little controversy or misstep. Crikey. If we didn’t know any better we’d say that Homer and his lot had been living in Ireland all this time…